The End of The World

There is a certain set of the population who think that the Mayan Calendar predicts the end of the world on December 21, 2012. This is the set known as “idiots.” Moreover, there is a subset of this set of the population who are stockpiling supplies such as canned goods and matches in anticipation of said apocalypse. This is the subset known as “Russian idiots.”

Nobody knows how and when things are supposed to end. Not Mayans. Not Nostradamus. And certainly not M. Night Shyamalan.

If you believe in an archaic calendar made by a civilization that couldn’t even predict its own demise, maybe you’ll allow me to speculate on your death.

You will die in some wildly complicated and unfortunate Rube Goldberg-esque accident involving a marching band drum major’s flung baton that hit a duck in flight, causing it to shoot out an egg which falls to the ground, sizzling on the hot sidewalk, luring a hungry man to walk out of his apartment to sniff the air, only to slip on the egg and inadvertently fall through a pane of glass being carried down the street, leaving shards that flat the tires of passing cars, whose now-bare wheels cause sparks against the pavement, igniting the oxygen tank of an elderly passer-by, rocketing her in flames right into a Native American rummaging through a trunk at a yard sale, pushing said tribesman into the trunk and toppling it end over end down a hill where it squashes you to death. Yes, you will be killed by a trunk triber.

Far fetched? Only as much as the Mayan Calendar.

So when the world fails to end, come to my shows in Hawaii! Call it my “Alohapocalypse Tour.” Here’s the when/where/how:

Friday, Dec 21, 7:30 pm: Maui Beach Hotel (with Andy Bumatai, Jose Dynamite & Chino La Forge)

Saturday, Dec 22, 7:30 pm: Ala Moana Hotel (with Andy Bumatai, Jose Dynamite & James Mane)

Tickets are $25 in advance. Get them at: