Google is supposed to have Artificial Intelligence hard at work cataloging the Internet, curating our views, edging us ever so closely to the singularity where machines overtake man and subjugate us to a future of being spare batteries for them.

That won’t be happening any time soon.

At least, that’s the feeling I got when I did a vanity Google Image Search. Remember when I told you about DVG (Dysfunctional Vanity Googling)? Well, it’s like that, but with images. And less dysfunctional. Maybe.

With all of the computing power at the Googleplex, and all of the geniuses tweaking the algorithms there, you’d think that a simple search for “Paul Ogata” would turn up pictures of, well, Paul Ogata.

Nope.

There surely is no shortage of pictures of me, but also, quite curiously, sprinkled throughout the results is a slew of images I fail to see as having any correlation.

So let’s try to connect the dots.

1. 

Maybe Google knows I like superheroes, turtlenecks and latex. But then it should have returned screencaps from the 1980’s Batman films.

2. 

This one obviously references my penchant for hearing the incorrect lyrics to songs. For example, this is one by Seal. “I’ve… been… kissed by a nose on the wave.”

3. 

Countless times I’ve had people butcher the pronunciation of my last name. One of the common screw-ups is “Orgata.” Yes. OR-gata. Jeez, people, just read the name and say it. Don’t add extraneous letters. There is no R. No R. And “No R” sounds like “Noir.” Just like this picture.

4. 

What’s with all the images of mostly upside-down women associated with me? Must be the 6⁹ joke I do.

5. 

Oh, this is easy. I used to subscribe to Games Magazine as a kid, so I’m familiar with the picture rebus puzzle. This is saying that you’ll have a “bomb-ass” time if you come to see my show.

So go ahead, Google Image Search your name. See what turns up! If only to prove that the machines won’t be taking over this week.