Things I Learned in Malaysia

Things I Learned in Malaysia post image

The 2015 Kuala Lumpur International Comedy Festival drew to a close last night with an amazingly raucous all-star show. And today I finally had some time to reflect on things that got lodged in my brain, random thoughts. I empty my head out here so I can get new brain splinters elsewhere.

• Strawberry Fanta is so good, monkeys will chew a hole in the bottom of the bottle to get it.

• Singapore sidewalks are free of dark chewing gum spots, yet people there are not happy. Malaysia sidewalks (when such things even exist) look like dalmatians with their collection of spat out gum. And Malaysians are way happier. Chew on that.

• Comedians are broken people, but goddammit we have fun.

• The KL Tower was once the biggest building in Malaysia, shining and glimmering. Then the Petronas Twin Towers were built, each of them bigger than the KL Tower, making them the new face of the country. Shinier and more glimmering. The KL Tower is now reduced to luring visitors with swap meets and pony rides. It’s like that moment when the previous Miss Universe has to hand the crown over to the newer, sexier, younger Miss Universe. Except imagine the old beauty queen had to forever stand next to the current winner who is adorned in tiara and sash, smiling, waving, receiving flowers. You can even see it in their eyes for that brief moment of the tiara handover: the realization that they’ve just become a donkey ride pimp.

Pertains Twin Towers and the KL Tower

• Many countries have amazing food. Malaysia’s is amazinger. STEP UP YOUR GAME. (Looking at you, England.)

• Don’t eat durian. The government bans durian on public transport. Even God doesn’t want you to eat it and covered it in spikes. Don’t do it!

• The hotel beds here are HARD. I’m pretty sure their Sleep Number™ is “fuck you.”

• Yes, there is much corruption here. (There is also much corruption in any country.) Corrupt leaders should be sent to death row. In America, we have a rapper named Kurupt who is on Death Row Records. Kurupt is part of Tha Dogg Pound. An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure. Malaysia uses the metric system. One ounce equals 28 grams. The weight of a human soul is postulated to weigh 21 grams. 21 grams is the name of a movie directed by Alejandro González Iñárritu, who also directed Gravity. Malaysian people are down to earth. Corruption by soulless government officials is weighing heavily on the Malaysian collective heart as of late.

• Until Disney builds a Star Wars theme park, there’s a place where fans can actually go pod-racing. It’s called KL traffic.

• There is a KLIA airport. There is also a KLIA2 airport. They are nowhere near each other. Neglect your research at your own peril.

• Why do we all speak different languages, but we laugh the same? Joy is universal!

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  • Angelie November 20, 2015, 1:00 am

    Dear Paul,Welcome back!Did you know i had to postpone my buenisss trip to thailand, just to see your show? I will be there on thursday with my group of friends and I will bring along my new book as a present for you.Have a great flight over.Cheers.Julian RayCell-852-66535273whatsapp-852-98665010

    • Paul Ogata November 20, 2015, 11:42 am

      Hey thanks Julian… don’t postpone the trip!!! But if you do, it will be nice to see you again. 🙂