Dear Harrison Ford,
Get well soon! You were a hero to me in my childhood, as I’m sure you were to many others.
But can I be honest with you? STAY AWAY FROM FLYING MACHINES.
It seems any flying thing you approach, whether in movies or in real life, does not end well. Let’s review the evidence, shall we?
TOP 10 TIMES THAT FLYING MACHINES + HARRISON FORD = TROUBLE
(In Chronological Order)
10. Star Wars Episode IV: A New Hope – In this movie, you fly the Millennium Falcon to the planet Alderaan, which had been destroyed by the Death Star space station. So you then get onto the Death Star, and we all know how that turned out. Casualties: 1 million Alderaaneans and 1.18 million government workers.
9. Star Wars Episode V: The Empire Strikes Back – Your presence on the flying structure, Cloud City, causes the city to become overrun by Imperial stormtroopers, putting its citizens in peril, then bad things happened to you and your friend Luke. Casualties: 1 hand and freedom.
8. Raiders of the Lost Ark – Oh man. You probably crapped yourself from a snake on a plane at the beginning of the movie. Then you got beat up by the Nazi Mr. Clean on that crazy Flying Wing, which (no surprise) blew up. Casualties: 1 pair underwear and 2 Nazis. Possibly more Nazis, but they’re Nazis, right? So that’s good.
7. Star Wars Episode VI: Return of the Jedi – What a cool flying barge Jabba the Hut had! Had. You were on it. Then it exploded. And let’s not forget the skiff you were on when you sent Boba Fett into that evil sandgina. Casualties: 1 bounty hunter and assorted scum and villainy.
6. Air Force One – You tell Gary Oldman to get off your plane. Then it crashes into the ocean… I think. The special effects are that bad. Casualties: 15 good guys, 20 bad guys and CGI.
5. Six Days Seven Nights – In this movie you crash another plane. Casualties: Anne Heche’s career.
4. Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull – Much to everyone’s delight, you actually save a flying craft in this film. But the franchise crashed and burned. Does the refrigerator count as a flying machine? Because if it does, then add “suspension of disbelief” to the casualties list. Casualties: Indiana Jones 5.
3. 42 – I didn’t see this Jackie Robinson biopic, but there’s probably a scene where you crash a plane into him. I just know it. Casualties: all-white baseball.
2. Star Wars: The Force Awakens – Last year, that cursed Millennium Falcon even tried to take you out in real life. Casualties: 1 ankle.
1. Venice Golf Course – Really? A World War II-era plane??!! She may not look like much, but does she got it where it counts? Did you make a lot of special modifications yourself? You should have had a bad feeling about this.
Mr. Ford, I enjoy your movies and your rare television appearances. (I especially enjoyed the way you went all Air Force One on magician/demon David Blaine and told him to get the f*$k out of your house.) I want to continue enjoying them for many years to come. You cannot keep cheating death like this. Who do you think you are, James Tiberius Kirk? So please, please, please stay away from from flying machines. They are the real Widowmakers.