Previously, I proved to you that the hip-hop group Naughty By Nature was part of the evil organization known as The Illuminati. Now, meet Andre Young, aka Dr. Dre, aka hip-hop’s first billionaire. And dutiful servant of Satan.
That may seem like a wildly irresponsible accusation to throw out there, but hear me out. Dre made news last year by raking in several hundred million dollars when he sold his headphone company to Apple. But that’s nothing compared to his previous blockbuster deal where he sold his soul to Beelzebub. How else can you explain the recent article revealing that his company’s headphones contained pieces of metal, whose sole purpose was to make the product heavier and therefore seem less cheap?
Surely, that is the work of the devil. Still not convinced? How about this, then. If you line up three Beats headphones, the logos produce a very suspicious looking number. Check it out here:
666! Come on, that’s a dead giveaway. Need even more convincing? Ugh, you non-believers make it so difficult to pull the wool from over your eyes. Okay, there is really no more evidence you need to prove that Dr. Dre is in cahoots with Lucifer than the Beats Snarkitecture collabo. (Those last three words would mean absolutely nothing just a few short years ago.)
What is that? Oh, it’s only a solid marble pillow for your special edition Beats headphones for only $300. The fact that this is an actual thing, compounded by the sad truth that you cannot buy one anymore because they are sold out, is absolute proof that there is a devil and Dre is his minion.
Need more proof? Okay, Dre’s newest album (available on iTunes today!) is called Compton. Get it?! No? Oh. Do I have to spell everything out for you sheep? Well, the city of Compton has a sister city in Bulgaria called Targovishte. And Targovishte, as everyone knows, is a simple anagram for the phrase Ogre Shit Vat. And do you know where they have endless vats of ogre shit? That’s right: Hell.
In 2006, the Pulitzer Prize for Investigative Reporting was awarded for a story exposing congressional corruption. This seems somewhat more important. Send the prize!