When Disney and Marvel got together they made an estimated 700 gazillion dollars with The Avengers movie and the sequels to the Iron Man, Captain America and Thor franchises. Then they must have gotten tired. Do you know how tedious it is to count 700 gazillion dollar bills?
So the plan then, I imagine, was to create a movie so bonkers batshit bananas that nobody would go. And then Disney/Marvel would have time to take a breather and finish counting their money. The pitch meeting for the movie probably went like this:
INT. CONFERENCE ROOM – DAY.
ALL THE FURNITURE IS MADE OF BUNDLES OF CASH. TWO EXECUTIVES ARE SEATED AND APPEAR DISTRAUGHT.
EXECUTIVE 1: Ugh, I’m sick of counting money. We need to stop making hits for a while. (PONDERS FOR A MOMENT AS HE SHOVES A BALE OF CASH INTO A WOOD CHIPPER.) Let’s remake Thor: The Dark World but this time have the main characters be a Sony Walkman, a half-Filipino pro-wrestler and a mini Cooper.
EXECUTIVE 2: I don’t like the idea of an anthropomorphic car. Too Transformersy. People might like that. How about instead of a mini Cooper we make the character something unexpected. My first thought was beer.
EXECUTIVE 1: Wasbeer? Hmmm, that’s the dutch word for raccoon. Brilliant! Let’s make it both: it’s a raccoon AND a mini Cooper.
EXECUTIVE 2: Okay but only if it’s a mini raccoon voiced by Bradley Cooper.
EXECUTIVE 1: Oh this is a horrible idea. No one will watch this. (HE HESITATES A MOMENT) Let’s do it!
EXECUTIVE 3: (ENTERS ROOM, SEES EMPTY BAG) Dammit! Did you guys eat all my magic mushrooms?
EXECUTIVES 1 AND 2 LOOK AT EACH OTHER AND GIGGLE.
INT. DISNEY HEADQUARTERS, SCREENING ROOM – 4 YEARS LATER
EXECUTIVE 2: Wow. That movie wasn’t half bad. We have to add something to destroy it.
EXECUTIVE 1: What’s the worst thing we bought from old man Lucas?
EXECUTIVE 2: That god-awful Howard The Duck movie.
EXECUTIVE 1: Put that thing in there.
Then what happened was the movie Guardians of the Galaxy was a huge freaking hit at the box office and the poor executives were relegated to counting more money. Boo hoo.
By the time August 14-16 rolls around, each of you will probably have seen Guardians twelve times and will be in dire need of transition to entertainment without fake raccoons. And that’s where I am glad to help.
Allow me to show you that there’s no better entertainment than live comedy! Come on down to the famous Hotel del Coronado in San Diego where the Laugh Factory has installed its latest location. Catch me and Andrew Norelli Thursday, August 14 at 8pm, plus both Friday & Saturday, August 15-16, at 8pm and 10pm. We’ll show you that we’ve been protecting live entertainment for you! We are… The Guardia— ah, you get it.
Need tickets? Head over to The Laugh Factory‘s website to purchase them. See you there.