Chinese Menu: For Enjoying To The Mouth Happy

Chinese Menu: For Enjoying To The Mouth Happy post image

With all the money that China seems to have at its disposal, it is curious that the menus there are screwed up. Badly. Consider this post an official offer to provide my services for menu translation.

Fortunately, until China hires me to rectify the situation, their menus are still a hilarious study in whatthefuckness. Enjoy!

New Beef Taste

It’s like “new car smell.” But cow-ier.

Sheep Scorpion Burning Powder

Do not order this if you prefer your mutton and poisonous insects with a mild flavor.

Achievement Of A Group Of People

They say too many cooks spoil the broth. Not in China! Thank you, Communism.

Ah Wei Mushroom Baked Cowboy Bone

Mama, don’t let your babies grow up to eat cowboys. Especially their bone.

Burn Egg Farm Soil

Pepper Crab and Chicken Rice are good examples of using ingredients in the name of a dish. Not a good idea if the two main ingredients of your dish are burned egg and farm soil.

Grassland Hand Grasp Meat

Ugh. Why can’t people just be happy with grain-fed hand grasp meat? I don’t complain as long as my hand grasp meat is hormone free.

Flavor of Lift

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been in an elevator and licking the buttons and emergency phone because it just tasted so damn good.

Shrimp Salty Steamed Chicken Wire Screw

This is a really healthy dish. Not only do you get your recommended daily allowance of iron from the chicken wire screw, but it is also steamed to keep the nutrients from leeching out.

Old Yellow Corvinet To Let Them Know

“But it was Saturday night, I guess that makes it all right and you say, ‘What have I got to lose?’ And honey, I say Old Yellow Corvinet. To Let Them Know.” — First draft of Prince’s Little Red Corvette

Appetizing Bubble Altar

This dish has proven far more popular than the recently discontinued Unappetizing Bubble Altar.

Iraq Force Smoked Horse Bowel

I’m confused. Is it horse bowel that was forcefully smoked by Iraqis? Or did an Iraq Force smoke this horse bowel. I tend to believe that is the bowel of a smoked horse, enjoyed by Iraqi Forces.

{ 4 comments… add one }
  • Kenneth Komoto April 23, 2014, 12:07 am

    Wtf…but them Chinese be so stupid they don’t even talk English. That said everything looks tasty. Horse bowel looks like lup chong. Yellow corvina actually. And dudes like to grasp meat

    • Paul Ogata April 23, 2014, 12:32 am

      It was amazing and flavorful. Lots of Uighur food too. Mmmm.

  • Pete Grella April 23, 2014, 6:40 am

    When you’re back this weekend, I’ll take you to a restaurant that serves Spiced Dork…

    • Paul Ogata April 24, 2014, 1:44 am

      Spiced Dork? I would feel like a cannibal.

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