When I was a kid, there was an immutable source of words collected in book format called a dictionary. These were the words that everyone agreed upon to describe the world around us. But recently, the Oxford English Dictionary has been documenting the fall of civilization by adding silly new “words” to its pages. Things like twerking, selfie or vom. And that’s just in this year alone.
So I decided to get proactive and help the OED staff by highlighting words which we will all be using by this time next year.
Here, then, are THE NEW WORDS FOR 2014:
• biebtirement, n.: the point in one’s life where a person announces they will stop working in a certain field completely, despite having never actually done anything of value in that field, and with a determination to continue working at ruining that field anyway, simply using announcement of this stoppage as publicity to promote said continued ruining.
• buttcoin, n.: a form of currency in which transactions can be performed without the need for a bank, as money is actually stored in one’s own ass. Whereas bitcoins are viewed as money laundering, with buttcoins severe money laundering is highly recommended.
• celeprosy, n.: a chronic deterioration of a famous person’s looks, not due to age (which would be natural and admirable), but rather to excessive plastic surgery, to the point where they become unrecognizable. See: Lil Kim, Kenny Rogers, Mickey Rourke.
• fauxstanza, n.: a hairstyle in which the front and top sections of hair (usually on a male) are shaved off, intended to resemble the male pattern baldness of the George Costanza character from the sitcom Seinfeld.
• GTFOH, abbrev.: scientifically, it is the chemical formula for a strong nylon fiber with high tensile strength. Really? No. Get the fuck outta here. Also abbreviated as FOH for people too lazy to use two more letters.
• HOBO, abbrev.: “hide one, buy one”: describing the act of shoplifting an item but buying another identical item to abate feelings of guilt. As in, “OMG Famous Footwear was doing BOGO, but I HOBO’ed when I BOGO’ed these Go Go’s and now I have 3 pairs. Wow, is my ass sore.”
• Illuminazi, n.: a person who forces you to listen to far-fetched conspiracy theories and berates you for doubting, not listening or telling them that while the shape-shifting lizard people do exist they can only shift into shapes of other lizard-type creatures such as salamanders or skinks.
• jondom, n.: denim condom.
• phuckstop, n.: a smartphone which has fallen victim to the constant upsizing of screens to the point where it is as large as a truck stop. Also, what one might say to Samsung to curb its efforts of phonelargement: “Phuckstop it already!”
• TIL, abbrev.: “today I learned”: used by someone to brag about a useless fact just brought to their attention on the Internet and which will bring no benefit to their life which already has very little significance because they never paid attention in school, where real actual learning happens.
• twongue, n.: the grossly overextended tongue of someone twerking. Particularly useful for swatting flies away from the steamy pile of excrement that is twerking.