This week I’m performing in Calgary, Canada, aka “The Texas of the North.” It’s always weird when you are billed as the “something else” of the “somewhere else.” Take Macau, for instance. Macau is known as “The Las Vegas of Asia,” when the truth is that Macau now takes in over five-times the revenue that Las Vegas does. (Unofficially, according to insiders I spoke with, the actual number is twice that.) Watch your ass, Texas, that’s all I’m saying.
Curiously, I arrived to find out that not only is there a comedy festival going on in town – the YYComedy Festival – but that I am a part of it.
As a comedian, you try to get into festivals all the time. They are usually big to-dos with lots of hoops to jump through if you want to be in them. I remember years ago camping out on the sidewalk outside a comedy club for a chance just to be seen by the bookers of a big comedy festival. Ah, the good old days. I am so beyond that now. These days, I camp out on the sidewalk for an iPhone. Well, maybe not much has changed.
However, without even trying, here I was as part of a brand new comedy festival. Okay, I’ll take it. This fits in perfectly between my appearance earlier this month at the 6th Annual Hong Kong International Comedy Festival and later in November at the inaugural Jakarta International Fringe Festival. So, bring it on YYComedy, and thanks for having me in your festival without any effort on my part. Some comedians would give their right arm to be part of such an event.
Speaking of severed limbs, last night during my show I met an extraordinary Canadian man named Justin. You’ve probably been at comedy shows where the comedian asks an audience member, “What do you do?” Then the audience member usually says something along the lines of, “I’m an accountant,” to which the comedian replies, “Oh.” Luckily, I rarely run into people at my shows with a boring life story, as evidenced by Justin’s response that he works in a steel plant and HAD HIS FOOT RIPPED OFF BY THE PLANT MACHINERY. The severed foot was then REATTACHED BY CANADA’S AWESOME HEALTHCARE SYSTEM, and to prove it he pulled his pant leg up and showed me his FRANKENFOOT.
And to top it all off, after healing up, HE WENT RIGHT THE HELL BACK TO WORK. Make no mistake, Justin is a bad mother— shut your mouth. After the show he showed me his arm, which was also nearly amputated in a separate incident at this dangerous steel plant, but reattached. And he’s a good sport about it, too. Realizing I’m a Star Wars fan, he offered up that he’s, “more machine now than man.”
This illustrates several things we are missing here in the United States:
1. A sense of humor about ourselves. Justin was able to joke about his condition and have a good time. This is exactly what I said is the key to world peace, in this recent interview with The China Daily.
2. Universal health care. I don’t even think I need to explain this one.
3. Tort reform. I don’t know if he chose not to sue the plant or was not allowed to by law, but the point is he went back to work. At the building that is clearly trying to kill him.
4. Work ethic. This guy lost a foot and almost an arm, and still is working there. Most people I know would be happy to lose a foot so they can stay at home to collect disability benefits, even if it means changing their name to Stumpy O’Hoparound. I worked at McDonald’s right out of high school and had hot oil from the deep fryer burn my hand. It wasn’t a very large burn, about the size of a dime, but Ronald McDonald’s insurance company showed up, took a picture, and handed me a check for $100. An idiot co-worker of mine saw that and promptly stuck his hand in the Big Mac bun toaster, hoping to sizzle his way to a quick pay out. Too bad for him the boss saw him do that. Ba-dop-bop-bop-ba… not collecting on it.
So, as I said, Texas, watch your ass. You might think “everything is bigger in Texas.” But in your sister province 1800 miles to the north, I have a new friend who is proving that in Calgary, the balls are definitely bigger.