Samsung You Old Pirate

September 4, 2013 — Leave a comment

Even McKayla Is Not Impressed With Samsung’s New Smart Watch

As Samsung announced (with great hoopla and furious promotion) their new Galaxy Gear smart watch, I couldn’t help but feel unimpressed. I had the McKayla face for two reasons. Continue Reading…

Miley Cyrus: Iron Patriot

August 29, 2013 — 4 Comments

Miley Cyrus - Iron Patriot!Even if you missed watching the MTV Video Music Awards, you have by now certainly heard of Miley Cyrus’ controversy-causing performance. But what is all the fuss about, anyway?

I’ve heard stories of children crying to their parents when Cyrus appeared in flesh-colored latex bikini, jabbing at her crotch with a giant foam finger, desperately trying to rub her gyrating backside against anything – including inanimate objects like Robin Thicke – all the while flailing her tongue about. It was as if she was a snake – an evil, nymphomaniac snake – casting her prehensile glossus wildly throughout the air to sniff out field mice or, more likely, publicity.

How was Cyrus even able to sing with her tongue hanging out of her head the entire time? Terry Fator, watch your back.

Let’s get back to the crying children for a moment. If you actually Continue Reading…

Hardcore ‘Pore

August 22, 2013 — Leave a comment

(While I’m off in Australia, please enjoy this entry from a column I wrote for the now-defunct Comic Bible magazine. Rest in peace, Comic Bible.)

Everything is a circle. The Malaysian rains feed the Singapore River, which wends toward the sea. Evaporation brings the moisture skyward and the circle continues. My Singapore comedy journey follows a similar path.

Before I performed in Singapore, the only thing I knew about it was that an American teenager was caught vandalizing cars and subsequently punished by having his butt whipped with a bamboo cane until he bled. That, and also chewing gum was illegal.

It surprised me, then, when I was offered the opportunity to do comedy there in 2004. After all, what sort of crowds could I expect to encounter in a country where laws were enacted to make children bleed and deprive them of the joys of bubble gum? As it turns out, Continue Reading…

All this talk about Jay-Z being a member of the Illuminati is just uninformed conjecture. Let me tell you about rap’s real Illuminati ambassadors. How can I explain it? I’ll take it frame by frame it.

Just a Pyramid? Or The Mysterious Illuminati Headquarters in Space?

Just a Pyramid? Or The Mysterious Illuminati Headquarters in Space? Hmmm?

Let’s start with the back of the dollar bill. It is a one dollar denomination, so we see a large O. A floating eye sits within a pyramid which itself floats above another pyramid. Two pyramids, each word starting with the letter P. What do we have? OPP. And just who do we know that is down with OPP? That’s right. Naughty By Nature. Or should I say, “Illuminati By Nature”!

The truth is always half-hidden right before our eyes to fool us into thinking that we didn’t know that we already knew but were afraid to know. Or something like that.

Need proof? Let’s look into the song, OPP. Continue Reading…