The World’s Oldest Profession post image

The World’s Oldest Profession

Generally, prostitution is regarded as “the oldest profession.” Not to be confused with Walmart greeter, which is “the oldest people’s profession.” Seriously, will nobody under the age of 80 do this job? Seems pretty easy, just wave hello and say, “Welcome to Walmart, I was a centimeter taller yesterday.”

But as much as I respect prostitutes (and I do, even though Continue Reading »

How To Punch Correctly post image

How To Punch Correctly

I can’t decide whether I’m a jerk with redeeming qualities or a horribly flawed nice guy. For example, I won’t let you merge in front of me in traffic if you drive a Hummer or similar Earth-killer. On the other hand I try to hold doors open for elderly women, but I shout at them to hurry their old asses up.

In comedy I have much the same problem. Someone pointed out Continue Reading »

Chinese Menu: For Enjoying To The Mouth Happy post image

Chinese Menu: For Enjoying To The Mouth Happy

With all the money that China seems to have at its disposal, it is curious that the menus there are screwed up. Badly. Consider this post an official offer to provide my services for menu translation.

Fortunately, until China hires me to rectify the situation, their menus are still a hilarious study in whatthefuckness. Enjoy!

New Beef Taste

It’s like “new car smell.” But cow-ier.

Sheep Scorpion Burning Powder

Do not order this if you prefer your mutton and poisonous insects with a mild flavor.

Continue Reading »