Top Ten Movies of 2016

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Right now, chatter is beginning of who will be nominated for an Oscar, while I’m already getting sent screeners of movies for the SAG Awards. Plus, you’ll be seeing a lot of silly year-end best-of lists.

The problem is these lists are always a jumping-off point for arguments. But not when said lists are carefully compiled and scientifically vetted. Then there is no room for squabbling, only acceptance.

Here, then, are the real Top 10 Movies of 2016! (And don’t worry, if you don’t see your favorite movie here, it’s probably at number 11.)

10. Captain America: Civil War

This movie answers the question, “What would happen if all the Marvel superheroes were in one movie?” It also answers the question, “Does Disney have damning nude photos of Sony Entertainment Inc. executives in compromising positions with sea cucumbers and lube?”


9. Can We Take A Joke?

Ted Balaker’s examination of the effects of Internet-fueled outrage on the world of stand-up comedy. Balaker interviews Gilbert Gottfried, Adam Carolla, Lisa Lampanelli and other comedians to explore how political correctness taken to the extreme is stifling the art of stand-up.


8. They Will Have To Kill Us First

Remember how in the original Footloose they banned dancing and you thought, “Man, does that kind of thing really happen?” Well, it does. And it’s so much worse. This documentary looks at the country of Mali, after Islamic jihadists take over and outlaw music. Risking death, heroic musicians take up fight against oppression with their music. In a world where radio stations are demolished, instruments are burned and musicians are tortured, can hope survive?


7. The Student Body

As a former fat child (I am currently a fat adult), I can relate to this documentary. When our government, the most bloated sack of bureaucratic shit in history, sends kids home from school with “Fat Letters,” the hypocrisy needs to be addressed. The letters tell children, as young as kindergarteners, that they are unacceptably fat. WTF?


6. Batman: Return of the Caped Crusaders

It is a blast from the awesome past. An animated Batman film starring the voices of Adam West and Burt Ward, the original dynamic duo from the 1966 television series. AND also Julie Newmar, the original Catwoman? A sequel is in the works for this year and is rumored to star William Shatner as Two-Face. Just to give you a glimpse of next year’s version of this list.


5. Shin Godzilla

Despite Hollywood’s repeated attempts at making a Godzilla movie, can’t nobody do Godzilla the way the Japanese can. It’s like if the Swedes tried to outdo the Germans in Scheiße Film. Not gonna happen. This reboot of the franchise shows why the authentic low-fi approach is the appropriate way to capture this legendary movie monster. He’s back. And long may he live!


4. TIE: Suicide Squad and Suicide Squad: Extended Cut

Wow. This movie has you intentionally rooting for the bad guys. And it is delicious. What you may have thought was deficient in the movie’s initial outing in theaters was fixed in its extended DVD version. More fleshing out of characters, more answers to plot curiosities, and more Joker. I included these two together, because Batman is in the movie and counting them separately might make it appear I am stacking the deck in favor of movies with Batman in it. You know, like the list of the Top Ten Superheroes In The History Of Ever.


3. Rogue One: A Star Wars Story

Star Wars is so popular that Disney could crank out a Max Rebo movie and it would still make 200 million dollars. But some people hate Star Wars. Not as much as George Lucas did, though. Star Wars is so popular that after Lucas’ three attempts to kill off the franchise (four, if you count the television Christmas special) people still wanted more. Disney heard you and delivered this beauty in time for Christmas. It’s the story of a young child who’s parents are torn from her existence, who then hides out in a cave for many years, before fighting injustice while being hunted by authorities. It sounds so much like… Batman?


2. Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice

In a decade that brought the world such duds as Mayweather vs. Pacquiao and Man v. Food Nation, it was high time for something like this. As Lex Luthor himself exclaimed in the film, this is, “the greatest gladiator fight in the history of the the world: God versus man. Day versus night. Son of Krypton versus Bat of Gotham!” If you have any doubt as to this film’s penultimate place among the pantheon of the greats, then it can only be because you’re probably in agreement with the cinematic masterpiece that sits atop this list.

And now,  the best film of 2016:

1. Tyler Perry’s Boo! A Madea Halloween

Just kidding. Hahaha come on, now.

It’s “Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice (Ultimate Edition)”

All of the fun of the theatrical version, but now even violencier™ than ever! With some answers to questions you had with the original film. And that suit. That awesome armored Batsuit. Seriously, with 5 cinematic Batman appearances this year, 2016 may have been the most amazing movie year ever. Even with another Madea movie released.

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