Interviews are fun. The President and his spokesperson seem to have a different opinion about this. I don’t mind doing them, even if the questions I get asked are invariably the same.

“Are you always funny, even at home?”

“Who are your inspirations?”

“You travel a lot. Do you have a lot of frequent flyer miles?”

The answers are as follows: No. George Carlin and Rap Reiplinger. And no, because many of the trips are to countries that use the metric system.

Well, now that we have that out of the way, how about some answers to Frequently Unasked Questions? Here they are, interviewers. Get your command-C and command-V ready for the next time. (Or whatever key combo you’d use on Windows. I have no idea what that voodoo is all about.)

1. If comedy is art, and artists are tortured, which severed body part would you deliver to a woman at a bordello?

A: I’m squeamish when it comes to pain and I’m a pretty heavy bleeder. So, maybe toenail clippings. Doubtful they will have the same effect as a well presented ear, but I generally have enough problems with Apple’s EarPods not staying in correctly as it is.

2. Do you think stand-up comedy as a career choice is worth promoting to high school students?

A: Why not? I remember having to walk over to the school library and take tests to determine what kinds of jobs would best fit my skills/knowledge/personality. Other kids got things like “electrician,” or “automotive repair.” Take a guess what I was told. “Social work. Or Engineering.” WTF? How is that an either-or situation? At that point you should just tell a kid, “Hey, you’re kind of a nerd but also you seem to want effect societal change. Have you thought about getting paid in chicken wings to rant about self-entitlement using The Beatles references and math?”

3. Is the Universe just a simulation?

A: While current scientific conjecture leans toward such a postulation, the evidence isn’t quite there to definitively say. But sometimes I will ask a question out loud and whatever program is on the TV at the time will answer it. So I have to lean towards, “yes.”

4. If the Universe is just a simulation, what ramifications does this have on everyone’s lives?

A: There are two possibilities. The first is that all of this is real, and not simulated. So you’ve got to try your best and create the optimal outcomes for yourself because you have no one else to blame. The other possibility is that none of this is real and we are all in someone’s version of a video game. You’ve still got to try your best because if we don’t, this Universe becomes a shitty game and when nobody wants to play us anymore, we essentially become Atari’s E.T. and we all get buried in a landfill.

5. Li Hing Mui or Rock Salt Plum?

A: Tough one. But given that Li Hing Mui are dried and you can keep a bunch in your pocket without a bag, I have to go with that. I suppose you can do that with Rock Salt Plum, but your pants will be gross. Also, I am drooling right now.