Over the weekend, Jeb Bush (son of former President George H. W. Bush and brother of former President George W. Bush) terminated his bid to also become President of the United States. See? Republicans have abortions, too.
Along his journey to become Not The President, Jeb learned some very important things. Firstly, America wasn’t too keen on his clan becoming our de facto royal family. Secondly, the Republican Party wasn’t too keen on nominating him, considering he routinely polled lower than a Cuban, a Canadian Mexican and an insane billionaire with a ferret hat. (And surely you’ve seen Jeb speaking to a gathering of his own disinterested supporters. At one point, as he had built to a planned applause break, and was instead greeted by a roaring silence, he begged them, “Please clap.”
Thirdly, it also turns out that in a recent poll conducted by the staff here at PaulOgata.com, Jeb Bush is THE LEAST POPULAR OF ANY BUSH. At all. Ever.
Need a more concise explanation? Here’s the breakdown:
1. Anheuser-Busch (28%)
The makers of America’s favorite beer, Budweiser. Though generally ridiculed and derided worldwide, Anheuser-Busch’s beverages are the clear favorite here. No, really, it’s the favorite and it’s also virtually clear because of its relatively low alcohol content and flavor. And even though it is piss water, Jeb Bush is less popular.
2. Demi Moore’s 1980’s Bush (21%)
At some point in history, women grew weary of being asked if their carpet matched their drapes. The result was the vast majority of adult women removing the carpeting, opting instead for hardwood flooring. Flash back to the 1980’s, however, and you’ll see that shag carpeting was all the rage. Actress Demi Moore harvested quite a bit of attention for showing the world her, uh… situation. What would you call that? The Busher’s Wife? St. Elmo’s Brier? Despite the current distaste of her vintage G.Y.N. Jane, Jeb Bush is less popular.
3. La Bouche (11%)
La da da dee da da da daaaa. This German techno/pop/Eurodance group was popular in the 1990’s because sometimes even turds float. More people prefer this turd to Jeb Bush.
4. The Bushwhackers (9%)
This tag team from the WWE, circa 1988-1996, was famous for licking each other, their opponents and even fans. Licking. With their tongues. And not in a way you’d probably like. These guys are more popular than Jeb Bush.
5. Nolan Bushnell (8%)
Before there was Steve Jobs, there was Nolan Bushnell. This is the guy that gave us the Atari 2600 game console and Chuck E. Cheese. Yes, he’s the father of modern video gaming, but he also unleashed the nightmare that is a singing, anthropomorphic, giant, robotic rat which tortures you with song while you attempt to eat bad pizza. Still, Jeb Bush is less popular.
6. Bushehr, Iran (6%)
When Russia and Iran get together to do something, it can’t be good. This time, they built a “nuclear power plant” right where three tectonic plates meet up. Try to imagine all the bad that could come of this and then try to imagine that this place is still more popular than Jeb Bush.
7. George W. Bush (4%)
Talk about polarizing. Either you love this guy, or you’re not brain damaged. When you’re as unpopular as Jeb! is, how do you complete the collapse of your candidacy? That’s right, by bringing in your big brother W. And just a few days later, Jeb threw in the towel. Coincidence? Or Mission Accomplished?
8. George H. W. Bush (2%)
What else can you achieve in your Presidency after toppling global superpower Panama and accidentally revealing the Illuminati’s secret plans for a New World Order? The American public decided that the answer was “nothing” and chose instead to elect a youthful redneck office-fellatio enthusiast. Daddy Bush is barely more popular than his son, Jeb Bush.
Last Place: Jeb Bush (1%)
The family dynasty went from “Bush 41” to “Bush 43” to “Bush forty-love of baby Jesus, no more Bushes.” By the way, his name isn’t even Jeb. It’s not short for Jebediah, or some other ancient Hebrew sounding moniker. It’s an acronym for his real name, James Ellis Bush. That’s right: he’s literally calling himself James Ellis Bush Bush. The public decided they’d rather not have him as the POTUS of The United States.
Even Twitter tried to correct me when I entered a #JebBush hashtag, offering instead the replacement word, #nebbish. The Oxford Dictionary defines “nebbish” as a person who is regarded as pitifully ineffectual, timid, or submissive. Wow. Way harsh, Twitter. But on point.
Farewell, Jeb. As your older idiot brother once told us, “Fool me once, shame on… you? (pause) You fool me, we can’t get fooled again!”