Just 48 hours into my latest Hong Kong trip, and I’ve already been to a jail and court.
It’s not what I meant when I said I wanted to hit some bars and look for suits.
Earlier this year, I told you about an incident where a comedian in HK smashed a glass into the face of a heckler. Coincidentally, the comedian’s sentencing hearing was scheduled during my latest return to the Kong.
At the break of dawn on Sunday, I headed over to the jail in Lai Chi Kok to visit the comic before his court appearance the next day. I’ve never done anything like this before, only seen it in movies. But apparently some of the things you hear about jail are true. For example, cigarettes are the de facto currency on the inside.
People buy everything with cigarettes in jail, and to have smokes is to be wealthy. You want someone’s food? That’ll cost you a cigarette. You need toothpaste? Cigarette. In fact, cigarettes are so valuable, you can actually buy cigs to smoke, but the cost of a cigarette is 2 cigarettes. (I may have made that up.)
He seemed in good spirits. Well, as good as can be considering you have to poop in a room in plain view of 70 other people. Do people turn away out of courtesy when you poop? Do you have to pay people a cigarette to turn away when you poop? How long can a human body go without pooping? I had so many questions. But instead, I kept it all in. The questions, not the poop.
At the sentencing today, the very stern judge could have given the comic three years in prison. But the judge, oh… that judge, he should get a job scripting pro wrestling matches.
“This is a serious crime,” he said. And my stomach tightened.
“But the defendant has no record.” I relaxed.
“On the other hand the victim suffered greatly.” Gaaah! Ulcers!
“And I have to take into account the defendant’s charity work.” Whew.
“Still, justice must be served.” Come on you bastard!
Then the sentence finally came: 6 weeks! Perhaps it might be reduced even further through good behavior?
I hope so. That’s a long time to hold your poop.