Did you know there’s about 60 different names for sugar that food manufacturers can use in the ingredients list so that you don’t know you’re actually eating sugar?

Buttercream? SUGAR.

Diastatic Malt? SUGAR.

Sorghum? SUGAR.

Like Bon Jovi said, “it’s all the same, only the names have changed.” And so goes politics. Every four years, we are presented with myriad candidates from different political parties. This happens, of course, to trick the masses into believing we have a choice. But do we, really?

Right now, the top two candidates from both the Democrat and Republican parties will shout endlessly (at debates or on the campaign trail or in the Illuminati locker room) how they differ on the tertiary issues such as health care and foreign policy. But do not be fooled, for at their very core, they are all the same. These folks all want more power and money for them and their sponsors from the corporate-banking-industrial complex, and less for you.

Democrat? POLITICIAN.

Republican? POLITICIAN.

Independent? POLITICIAN.

They may as well be one person. I give you: Bernillary Crump.

Scared? You should be. But you should also feel liberated. Like Rowdy Roddy Piper’s character in They Live, when he finds the cache of special sunglasses, you have finally witnessed the true lizard form of all politicians.

Here is where you ask, “But Paul, since the problem with politics is that it’s full of politicians, can we ever solve it?”

Yes.

We start by removing politicians entirely from the process. I’m referring to these lifers in DC, crafting loopholes for their friends, getting fat off the graft and kickbacks, ignoring the real people of America. Get rid of them.

In fact, anybody who wants to be a politician is immediately disqualified from running the country. If a known pedophile and sex offender rolls up to a daycare and says, “I’ll help watch the kids. Go take a break,” would you let him? Hell no, Gacy, go french kiss a downed power line.

But if we outlaw politicians, who will run the country then? Ah…

You will.

Or I will. Or Stephanie down the block with the kids she is barely getting by raising because politicians’ friends on Wall Street manipulated the system to rob her of her savings so they could buy more super yachts.

We all will. Whether we want to or not. I’m talking about something like jury duty. Let’s call it Government Duty. There will be a fleet of vans roving the nation’s streets. A computer, let’s call it the Citizen Random Appointment Processor, spits out your name and the nearest van finds you. They sneak up on you, throw a bag over your head and rear-naked choke you into sleepy time.

Next thing you know they pull the bag off your head, and… CRAP, you’re President for a week.

Not enough time for the corporations and banks and pharmaceutical companies to get their claws into you. Not enough time to fly around the country raising funds for other politicians. Not enough time for you to sit around giving a damn about an adult’s butthole consensually having another adult’s penis in it.

Just enough time to make sure people get health care, instead of useless health insurance. Just enough time to make sure the companies hiding untold trillions of dollars offshore pay their fair share of taxes. Just enough time to unveil the UFO that crashed at Roswell.

Well, that’s what I’d do in my week. Put the bag on my head!