I just got back from watching a 5AM showing of Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens. Fear not, as a huge fan of the series, I won’t reveal any spoilers here.

Or, rather, I will not reveal any plot points. But I will reveal the idiots who spoiled the movie for me. I’m not talking about the people in costume or the ones that clap and cheer. I’m referring to these 5 types of idiots who should be banned from the theaters:

1. WHOBACCA? As in, the idiot who keeps asking questions the whole time. “Who’s that? What are they doing? Why does that guy hate the other guy?” How about you do your homework first. They call this Episode VII for a reason. And that reason is THERE ARE SIX PREVIOUS EPISODES YOU SHOULD WATCH FIRST, YOU INQUISITIVE ASSHOLE.

2. JEDI MIND PRICK Ah remember how amusing it was the 7,000th time you waved your hand at an automatic door in faux Jedi/Sith fashion to make it open? Oh that’s right, it was amusing once, and the other 6,999 times you were being an annoying twat. Which is okay until your turn to The Dork Side affects me. Like you holding up the concession line because you (jokingly, I hope) try to convince the cashier that “she doesn’t need to see your credit card.” Or when the parking garage elevator is full of people but your awesomeless Kylo Ren hand gesturing impression trips the door sensor and now we have to wait even longer for the door to close. Ugh. Eat Sith and die.

3. LOUD SKYTALKER Every Star Wars movie begins with the now-famous text that scrolls up the screen filling you in on the backstory. I sat near the idiot who just had to read it out loud. Hey, mouth breather, did you know you could also read silently? And no, they weren’t reading it to their blind friend. Because what kind of ballsack makes their blind friend pay extra to see an IMAX 3D movie? Anyway, people like this probably have no friends.

4. HAM SO LOW I hate the idea that they’re bringing back Mystery Science Theater 3000. Not because the show wasn’t funny (it was, and I’m sure the new version will be as great). It is because that show made everybody think it’s wonderful to talk during a movie. (I mean, everyone besides black people and Chinese. They were already representing.) Ham feels the need to shout comments he thinks are so clever that surely they will garner enough accolades and adoration to make up for his solitary, pimply, Magic The Gathering-playing adolescence. (Or adulthood.) Invariably, nobody else laughs. Hey superstar, shut your nerdhole, this ain’t Jakku Horror Picture Show.

5. THE FANDOM MENACE Here’s a person who has already seen (probably in his Slave Leia gold bikini) the movie multiple times already and we’re only just beginning Day 2. As the self-proclaimed expert on Episode VII, he has to constantly and loudly announce, “Ooh, watch this part!” Or, “OMG this next part.” Or, “This part is awesome check it out!” You know how I know the next part is going to be good? Because it’s Star Wars, you social leper, they’re ALL good parts. Yes, even in the lesser movies. Way to go, Nostradumbass, you just successfully predicted nothing, other than your terminal douchebaggedness.

So if you are any of these people, please, stay home. Or I will Force Choke you with my Handsaber.