Evil Nursery Rhymes

Evil Nursery Rhymes post image

Nursery rhymes, in general, are the worst things anyone has contributed to the literary world. They almost always contain dark themes such as handicapped-animal mutilation (Three Blind Mice), infanticide (Rock-a-bye Baby) or even a possible murder-suicide (Jack and Jill). Remember, these are supposed to be read to really young children right before you turn off the lights.

But the “nursery rhyme” I have always hated the most was This Little Piggy.

This little piggy went to market,
This little piggy stayed home,
This little piggy had roast beef,
This little piggy had none,
And this little piggy went wee wee wee all the way home.

First of all, “market” does not even remotely rhyme with “beef.” Nor does “home” and “none.” Most annoyingly, it has the audacious laziness to rhyme “home” with itself. That’s something that not even world-champion word-rhymer Kanye West can do without getting side eye from fans. It is one thing to rhyme homophones, but you can’t rhyme a word with the same word. It’s not rhyming; it’s repeating.

Also, the whole “wee wee wee” and its accompanying, terrifying, tickle-torture just reeked of pedophilia.

Anyway, this little piggy <points at self> is going wee wee wee all the home to Hawaii for some shows this Summer!

Catch me at Crossroads HI (at Hawaiian Brian’s) on Thursday, August 27 at 8pm! Also appearing will be my homegirl Cathy Tanaka, Jose Dynamite (go buy his new CD) and Patrick Tyrrell.

Get your tickets by clicking here.

And I’m sorry you had to see this poster.

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