STORM Your Way To Happiness

STORM Your Way To Happiness post image
A friend forwarded me some a post spewing some new-agey type of mnemonic device for remembering how to deal with being overwhelmed in stressful situations. The info said that, “one way of creating a mindful moment and regaining focus is the acronym R.A.I.N.” It then goes on to detail hippy-style bullshit about observing the moment and not becoming your feelings. Or something.

Since I am your self-appointed vigilante ombudsman, I will let you know that RAIN is a heap of garbage. It won’t get you over anything and will leave you feeling powerless and emasculated. Not so with my S.T.O.R.M. strategy!

What is S.T.O.R.M.? Follow the simple steps below and be on your way to happiness or at least a reasonable facsimile of it veneered over a seething orb of anger:

S = Shit: This is the sandwich the world is trying to make you eat. And you are what you eat. That means the world is trying to make you be shit. Fuck them, that’s not what you are! Or wait, are you? People like to put you down and say, “You ain’t shit!” So maybe that’s what you’re supposed to be? Anyway, more reason to be angry.

T = Tell Em Off: Don’t bottle up that anger, tell off that bastard that made you mad. It will make you feel better to scream invectives at them. Even if it doesn’t make you feel better it makes them feel worse, and that alone should make you feel better. Nothing good comes from bottling stuff up. Or does it? People always say they’ll make a fortune if they could only bottle something or other. Ugh.  Just yell at somebody, would ya?
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O = Outrage: My favorite section because you probably get to hit somebody here. I looked it up and outrage is either “a wanton act of cruelty or violence” OR a “damage-dealing Dragon-type move” from Pokèmon. Either way somebody is gonna get an ass whooping. And by the way, if anybody deserves a whooping of the ass it’s adults who play Pokèmon. Hit one of them too for good measure.

R = Run Away: Obvi. Duh.

M = Masturbate: Nothing leaves you hotter for a session of you-on-you You Jitsu than the delicious afterglow of rageball anger slangin’. Congratulations! You have now moved on.

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