America, Meet Ebola

America, Meet Ebola post image

Dustin Hoffman stopped Motaba. Can he do the same for Ebola? Not if he can’t recognize a fake phone number when he sees it.

Who’s in charge of Ebola in Africa, anyway? My dad? His medical advice was always, “Rub some dirt on it and walk it off.” That’s bad advice for when an 8-year-old impales himself in the foot with a sharpened pencil, and I’m pretty sure it’s still bad advice for what’s going on in Africa. Or what’s going on in America now, I guess.

Finally (in your best Dwayne Johnson voice) Ebola has come to the United States. Dallas, to be specific. All because some guy went to visit his sick family in Liberia. To all my family: I love you dearly. But if there’s a deadly outbreak of a hemorrhagic fever that liquifies you from the inside, you can rest assured that I will still visit you, but I will do it via Skype. Or maybe Reddit, because that’s where things go viral.

For crying out loud, people, DON’T YOU KNOW WHAT EBOLA IS? It is next-level bad. Stop going to where Ebola is and bringing it to where it isn’t. In West Africa (born and raised, in the quarantine is where you should spending most of your days) it has reportedly infected 6,500 people and caused at least 3,000 deaths so far. I don’t know if you’re good with numbers, but that’s a ratio of fuck to that.

The key word in that previous paragraph is “reported.” The numbers, according to some who know, are much higher. Perhaps even orders of magnitude higher. The media doesn’t want you to panic and demand the borders be shut down, so instead they show you pictures of the microscopic 80-nanometer-wide Ebola virus. Because they know that’s not going to help us one freaking bit. “I see, so Ebola looks like a really well-hung ampersand? I’ll be on the lookout. Thank you, CDC and the media!”

Ebola! Coming soon!

Ebola sounds less scary if you say it like “Ricola!” in those TV commercials.

Instead, they trot out experts in Dallas, whose job it is to reassure us that they have stopped Ebola “dead in its tracks.” Oh, okay then. Because we can always trust what you hear out of that city.

Dallas nightclub owner (and never-proven co-conspirator in the cover-up of the John F. Kennedy assassination) Jack Ruby, said he killed Lee Harvey Oswald only to save the President’s widow from the “discomfiture of returning for a trial.” Certainly not to silence the one man who could tell you the details of the conspiracy. You believe him, right?

Former President George W. Bush, who now resides in Dallas, once told the nation in 2003 that the war in Iraq was essentially over and it was, “Mission Accomplished.” You believe him, right?

Or how about Dallas’ own Melinda Gates. Melinda, who has donated tens of billions of dollars to (her own) charity, has said that she wants, “better lives for children everywhere.” Perhaps you may know her husband, self-avowed global depopulation advocate Bill Gates. Bill thinks the world would be better with 3.5 billion fewer people. I try to imagine, but I just don’t know how he might accomplish that. You believe her, right?

Dallas, the city, clearly has a track record for cranking out more lies than J.R. Ewing did in the TV show, Dallas.

So get worried, my friends. Somebody has that magic anti-Ebola medicine ready to sell to the people who can afford it, so that they might rake in profits while simultaneously pruning the hedges of population. It’s all by design. Ask your doctor if Ebolagone is right for you. The thing is, it IS right for you, but you won’t get it. It will be reserved for Bill Gates and the rest of his elitist, genocidal, Illuminati Bilderbergers. Take my dad’s advice: Start hoarding dirt and walking shoes.

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