Life Hacks are those little tips for improving your existence by utilizing common household items in a non-intended way. For example, “Use a burning stick of uncooked spaghetti to light hard to reach wicks.” Or also, “Fill an empty ketchup bottle with water and shake it to make more admittedly-shittier ketchup. Then when the newer ketchup batches becomes clearer and clearer, keep this bottle around anyway to put out small fires started by trying to light candles with burning food.”
I’m no fount of amazeballs household tips. However, as a veteran of marriage, I do have useful knowledge in improving my existence through carefully manipulating the one I love most. Call these tips Wife Hacks.
PROBLEM: Wife has no opinion on where to eat. Until you do. Then she has opposite opinion.
WIFE HACK: Suggest the opposite of what you want. She will immediately choose your fave.
PROBLEM: Wife makes you hold her purse while she tries on clothing at the mall.
WIFE HACK: Eat fish tacos while waiting for her to finish. Crumbs and fish stench in her purse will convince her to next time risk bringing her purse into the apparently high-crime area of the fitting room.
PROBLEM: Wife uses “knowledge” gleaned from Life Hacks internet detritus forwarded to her to turn your house into a virtual Fred-Sanford-topia full of garbage doubling as “useful items.”
WIFE HACK: Tell her you learned some life hacks, too. Things such as, “men’s dirty underwear left on the floor can be used as a foot mop.” Or, “shards of smashed Heineken bottles glued to a rubber band double as a fancy emerald bracelet.” Pretty soon, no more life hacks! #Winning.