Remember the simpler times?

In simpler times, you made calls on your telephone and watched shows on your TV.
Now, I watch television on my phone, and my TV has caller ID.

In simpler times, everybody had their own mailbox right outside their house.
Today your mail lives in a condo almost as big as the one you live in.

In simpler times, you didn’t have food allergies or attention deficit.
You were just itchy and stupid.

In simpler times, your hotel key was an actual key.
Not a finicky, persnickety plane of plastic that works only randomly and can be demagnetized by keeping it in your wallet, the very thing it is designed to fit in.

In simpler times, “pre-school” was the time of your life before you started school.
Then it became an actual school you had to attend, making pre-preschool your non-school era of life.
Now people actually send their 2½-year-olds to pre-preschool.
(Enjoy your pre-pre-preschool life while you can, all you lazy 18-month-olds.)

In simpler times, we watched television to escape the grind of our everyday lives.
But these days we have to deal with the police spying on us with robot planes, banks asking for handouts, bathsalt-smoking cannibals.
Our lives are filled with such unbelievably outrageous BS that we turn to the TV for some much needed reality.

Man, I miss the simpler times.