Don’t think for a moment that your cat isn’t at this very second plotting your demise. See the way your cat stares at you? It is just figuring out how you open the airtight cat food bin before it tears you apart like so much toilet paper.

Animals are animals. They have sharp claws and  powerful jaws lined with pointy teeth. No matter how placid they may appear, it’s just a matter of time before they get all animal on you again.

As the self-proclaimed dominant species on the planet, Man has a hubristic tendency to flaunt our opposable-thumbness. We build huge enclosures and stock them full of the subordinate creatures. We go so far as to tell ourselves that we have “domesticated” them. We charge unsuspecting tourists to roll around and play with these gentle, tame, MAN-SHREDDING PILE OF TEETH AND CLAWS.

And so it happened that in a wild animal park in Johannesburg, South Africa, a tourist from Scotland went into a pen with wild cheetahs and proceeded to quickly get attacked by strangely cheetah-like cheetahs. These animals, whose bodies have been engineered over time to become efficient at ripping other animal flesh into tasty lunches, tried to do just that to a plump, rather lunchy-looking lady. People were stunned why this happened.

Possibly the animals were agitated by the small, loud, annoying children who were allowed to pester them up close. It also could have been the plump lady’s garish blouse. Keep in mind this happened in South Africa. You already know that humans can be racist when confronted with someone of another color, so why should these cheetahs be any different when coming across another creature in a strange set of spots?

On the other hand, what do I really know? Pontificate as I might, here’s a picture of me at the same park being just as stupid as this lady, but just a shade luckier: