When people say, “I’m going to punch you in the mouth,” what they probably mean is that they will punch you on the mouth. The only way they could actually punch you in the mouth is if they had hands like Kristen Wiig’s Dooneese Maharelle character in
Saturday Night Live’s Lawrence Welk sketches.
So upon hearing that I would be performing in the desert in the middle of Summer, I was going to punch my agent in the mouth with my reasonably normal-sized hand.
Later, I rethought my vengeance when it was clarified I would be performing for the US military. I’ll go anywhere they are, to bring them some laughs and a taste of home. This time, Armed Forces Entertainment is bringing me and 5 of my funny friends from Comics On Duty out to the Middle East: Keith Alberstadt, Derek Richards, Andy Ritchie, Sarah Tiana and Steve Bills. Doing shows for the troops is the best part of my job.
However, due to operational security measures, I am unable to say exactly where or when the shows will take place. So if you know anyone in the US military stationed in the Persian Gulf area this June, tell them to be on the lookout for a good time.
Actually, the truth is that my agent would not be getting a punch in or on the mouth. I’m pretty much a whore, and would do a show to 3 non-English-speaking desert nomads in a sandstorm if they paid me. Also, because I am my own agent and hate getting mouth punches of any kind.