Worst News Ever


Ever have one of those revelations that shakes you to your core? Literally changes your world?

I have been married for nine years. You’d think you would know everything there is to know about someone after almost a decade of marriage. You would be wrong. In fact, it was just earlier this year that we found out each has been eating the other’s favorite chicken parts because we thought they were the parts the other didn’t like. It was so “Meal of the Magi.” To top it all off, that night we found a chicken wing shaped like a heart:

Such was not the joyous occasion tonight. My wife was feeling my right butt cheek and was on her way over to the left. (Which, BTW, you should always do. Never leave an ass cheek unrubbed if the other received some attention. It leaves the person feeling lopsided, uneven, empty. Here’s an experiment: try finding a stranger and licking their eyelid… just one eyelid. After they yell at you for being weird and chase you away, they will always yell, “Hey, wait! Come back! Do the other eye!” Go ahead, do it and report back to me.)

Anyway, she’s moving from right cheek to left and halfway over she stops her hand. Moves it up to the top of my buttcrack and feels around for a moment. Then she says, “Uh, you have a tail.”

I laughed, but she said, “No, for real. You have a tail. Feel here.” Then she put my hand on my ass. And I then I felt it. My tail.

I Have A Tail

Feeling a lot like Jason Alexander in Shallow Hal.

It’s not some cow tail that I can use to swat flies away from me. No, that would be useful. It’s not a cool dog or cat tail that I could use to show emotion. It’s not even an awesome defensive tail that I can jab annoying TV adventurers with. No, none of that. It’s just a vestigial lump of bone at the top of my ass.

Great. Hopefully one day I’ll find out what this thing does. Maybe when I get really mad, an adamantium knife blade will shoot out of my tail. Then I can kill badguys by sitting on them and stabbing them with my ass knife. Wolverear!


Nothing cool will happen and now my wife will use this information against me in fights. I’ll tell her, “You spent too much money at the mall today!” And she’ll say, “Oh yeah? Well, you have a tail.” And that’s pretty much the end of the argument. How do you come back from that?

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