I Heart The First Amendment


With all the shady, clusterhumpy, evil going on in Washington these days, this is still a pretty awesome country. I just got back from two months on the road in foreign countries. It was just the kind of thing I needed to rejuvenate my zeal for this place.

We still have, as of today anyway, the First Amendment to the Constitution. This little, but highly important, piece of text guarantees us here in America the freedom of speech. As a comedian, I find this crucial to what I do.

So imagine my surprise when I walk into a Malaysian radio station and am presented with this list of things I am legally prohibited from saying on the air:

Prohibited Topics

I get it. We’re on the radio. Not being able to speak about sex and drugs is understandable. But horror? Why wouldn’t I be able to mention John Carpenter, Clive Barker or Snooki ?

Ruling out discussing politics, the government, religion and police cases pretty much eliminates any news segments. How do these guys do anything on the air except play music? They can’t even play just any song they want to. For example, REO Speedwagon’s Take It On The Run starts with the line, “Heard it from a friend who heard it from a friend who heard it from another you’ve been messing around.”

This song alone breaks at least four of the prohibited topics:

  1. REO Speedwagon is named after Ransom Eli Olds, an American auto manufacturer and Michigan political delegate, making the mere mention of his name a violation of #6.
  2. The title Take It On The Run implies that a crime has been committed and the suspect is on the lam. Clearly a violation of #12.
  3. When Kevin Cronin sings about a woman messing around, he is, of course, discussing a “form of sexuality including the act itself.” Rule #1. To pile on to his egregious and flagrant rule breaking, the song is from the album Hi Infidelity, another infraction of topic #1.
  4. And finally, “heard it from a friend”? Unverified information! And not only unverified, it’s third-generation hearsay because his unverified information came from someone else who got their unverified information from yet another party, who in turn received their unverified information from another. As a matter of fact, Kevin is telling it to us, which makes this tid bit about his whoring girlfriend fourth-generation unverified information! An exponential violation of old #14!

Kevin Cronin’s ass better stay out of Malaysia, if he knows what’s good for it. Sure glad we have the First Amendment in America. Not sure what they call the Malaysian version, but it’s probably the Worst Amendment.


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