How To Solve The Economy

Hocus POTUS!

Take a look at the news. It’s all gloom and doom and sadness, with no solution in sight. But I have it figured it out. Just lie to us, government! Lie to us.

The trick is to lie to the public for the greater good. You know, to spur us on to action. I’m not talking about telling us they did not find a crashed UFO at Roswell. Screw that, we need to know that kind of thing. I’m talking about tricking us into thinking everything is going well and as planned. Illusions.

Besides, the government is already dressed for the part. Or at least they used to be. There was a time where the President of the United States wore a ridiculous top hat in public or to the inauguration at least.

Since it’s inexplicable origin, the top hat has been part of the standard uniform of two kinds of people: Presidents and magicians.

All Kinds of Douchbags Wear Top Hats

(L to R) President; Magician; Dick.

Well, maybe three kinds of people. Presidents, magicians and the incredible assbags who participate in the phony sport known as “dressage.” Believe me when I say that if your “sport” requires you to clothe yourself like a capitalist from a political cartoon in 1895, it is most assuredly not a sport. Also you should punch yourself in the crotch repeatedly until you can no longer have children.

This is NOT a sport

The guy gave the horse cornrows. *That’s* how douchey he is.

Either way, with Presidents, magicians or dressage idiots, you know some amazing bullshit is coming your way. And we all accept this amazing bullshit with open arms.

So get on with the amazing bullshit, please! Lie about some good news to us. Tell us that the debt is actually going down. Tell us that the McRib is coming back to stay. Tell us that we’re all going to get a chicken in every pot and a car in every garage. (That one actually worked before.)

Whenever I hear distressing news about the economy, I shout, “You mean they can fake putting a man on the moon but they can’t fake good economic news?”

Fake Lunar Landing

They tried to cover up this movie about a fake cover up by framing one of the stars for murder and making another marry Barbra Streisand. Sinister.

Use your magician hat, government. Do some magic tricks to make people feel like they’re doing okay in these times. How about the trick that the criminals at the Federal Reserve Bank do? The one where they magically conjure money out of thin air?

Making Money The Old Fashioned Way

This is how The Fed makes money.

Yes, do that trick, so that we don’t have to pay the Fed every time it pulls that trick on us. Then we can pay them back the hundreds of billions of dollars that we, for some unknown reason, owe them for making our own money and loaning it to us. And once we’ve done that, put the Fed in a birdcage, cover it with a cloth and vanish it. Economy solved. You’re welcome, everybody.

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