Buddha Had Cable

Buddha Had Cable post image

Maybe Buddhist monks have the right idea. By living a simple life, they avoid the headaches associated with women, drinking and the evil of cable television.

My cable service has been sketchy at best recently. Time Warner Cable® is my “provider.” While they’re at it, they should call themselves Time Warner Cable Happiness Pizza Foot-Massage®, since they do just as well not providing the other things.

I took to Twitter to complain to the dubiously monikered TWCableHelp, the company’s “customer service” social media presence. The response I got from them was “Apologies for the cable issues. We can look into it if you’d like.” IF I’D LIKE? Thank goodness the idiots at TWCableHelp don’t work the 911 phone lines. “Well, apologies for the issues you are having with your house burning down. We can send the Fire Department if you’d like. But first we’re going to transfer your call three times and each time we will ask you for your account information.”

Meanwhile, their “repair guy” is here and actually making things much worse. He even brought his supervisor. Because when an elephant has taken a dump in your living room, the best way to clean it up is to bring in an even bigger piece of shit. Instead of the sound or picture cutting out intermittently, he’s made it so that the only thing I can see is a diagnostic screen. Problem solved, I guess? If Time Warner Cable was a fast food item it would be the Double McFuckup Deluxe with extra Fail Sauce. Look into THAT.

In preparation for my apparent life without television, I looked up the core beliefs of Buddhism. Buddha talked of Four Noble Truths, the first three of which say that suffering exists, there is a cause for suffering, and there is an end to suffering. So it turns out that Buddha probably had Time Warner Cable as well.

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