2011 International Auto Show, Frankfurt, Germany

VW Nils

Were you feeling sorry for the auto industry? Well, don’t bother. It appears they’re doing just fine. I was at the 2011 IAA in Frankfurt Germany. IAA stands for International Auto Show, because the Germans can’t spell.

The first thing you should know about the IAA is that it is huge. Mindblowingly huge. Insanely mindblowingly huge. Like bring-an-extra-pair-of-shoes-because-you’ll-wear-out-your-first-pair huge. Here’s the view from inside the Mercedes exhibit arena:

How much money does Mercedes Benz have? This is their TEMPORARY ARENA.

And that’s the view from the third floor! Mindblowingly big. Home court advantage, I guess, as the VW floorspace was huge as well. The Ford exhibit was just an old Escort in a tent. Not even the car, just an aging prostitute.

The Mercedes in the picture looks like this close up:

The whole side of the car opens up. You’re welcome, fatty.

Its full-width gull wing doors open up the entire side of the car. Then it kicks Johnny in the face to steal the Valley Karate Championships from Cobra Kai Dojo. Get him a body bag!

Mercedes was also showing off its brand-new Honda Civic Hatchback:

In the future, luxury cars will look like crappy 1980’s sub-compacts.

Oh, man. Somebody is getting fired at the Benz headquarters. Worst idea ever.

Anyway, speaking of German cars and bad ideas, I headed next to the Volkswagen display. When Hitler started Volkswagen in 1933 (yes, that Hitler), he envisioned a car that could seat a family of five, capable of traveling at 62 mph. So you can bet that the Führer is all kinds of upset about this new VW offering:

Apparently, VW is short for VWTF?

Meet the VW Nils, a one-seater electric vehicle capable of going zero to 62 mph in approximately 12 days. It only seats one person, because none of your friends would want a ride in this thing anyway. There is a rear compartment which holds Hitler’s disappointment.

Speaking of Hitler’s disappointment, Russia plans to make an army of these. A red army? (Rimshot!) Look:

привет, дерьмовый дизайн!

The doors slide out the butt of the car, making it look like a giant angry bug monster. Which will be immediately killed by a shirtless Vladimir Putin.

The same people who own VW also own Bugatti, which, as Simon Cowell will have you know, is the world’s most expensive car. Here is one of their Veyrons:

The soft, leather seats make an appropriate “doosh” noise when you sit down.

No, that’s not the lights reflecting off of its shimmering chrome body. That’s the actual paint job given to the world’s most expensive car. Which is a lot like Bill Gates putting a “Shit Happens” sign on his mansion. Come on, Bugatti. Who painted this, the shop-class at Rydell High? I thought the Honda Civic from Mercedes was the worst idea ever until I saw this.

I got much closer to Lamborghini’s new Aventador:

Lamborghini, making men feel better about their penises since 1963.

Drool. If the Batmobile had a penis, this would be it. Word of advice, the security team doesn’t like it if you try to lick the car. Uh, that’s what I heard.

On the other hand, the assholes at Ferrari won’t let you get anywhere near their cars:

If Hollywood updates Magnum P.I., and you know they will because they did a fucking Smurfs movie for crying out loud, this is what he will drive.

And just to rub it in, they also have a guy to wipe it down. Even though you can’t get within 1 kilometer of the vehicle. I guess the longing glances from the impoverished masses leave smudges.

Ferrari is smart to keep people away, I must admit. Have you seen the cars people are actually allowed to touch? It looks like we’ve been finger-painting with mayonnaise on the floor of a truck stop gas station and then coming to the auto show to touch the cars.

Speaking of truck stops, I don’t know what these three companies do, but here is THE WORST LOGO PLACEMENTS EVER:

OMGWTF

I thought the Bugatti Veyron paint job was the worst idea ever until I saw this grouping of logos. Looks like the guy fired from Mercedes earlier in this post will have some company at the unemployment office.

The people who still have jobs at the IAA will let you test drive some of the cars:

Hee hee. I’m 12 years old.

And to prove that the Germans can’t spell, their word for “Test drive” is “Probe Fahrt.” Hee hee hee. I said probe fart.

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