Cook Like An Amateur!

Bork bork bork!

See how little you know about me? I am multifaceted! Like a… thing with more than one side. In addition to being a comedian and a part-time pr0nstar, I am also a gourmet. Or is that gourmand? Not sure. Perhaps it is gourmand. What a great word. Like a combination of some pretentious guy saying, “I am a gourmet,” to which an unimpressed person replies, “…and?”

Anyway, here’s a recipe you can use to make a tasty chicken dish, using chicken.


  • Juice of 4 limes (Probably about ½ cup unless your limes suck, in which case you should use more sucky limes.)
  • 2 garlic cloves, smashed (Use the side of a knife. Or the Incredible Hulk if he is available.)
  • 2 habanero peppers, chopped (Leave the seeds, don’t be a wuss.)
  • ½ white onion, chopped (Feel free to substitute a red onion if you don’t need to kiss anybody after dinner.)
  • 4 green onion tops (If you are growing it upside-down like those silly tomatoes, you should still use the green part, even though those are now the bottoms. Don’t be stupid.)
  • 2 Tbsp soy sauce
  • 2 Tbsp olive oil (If you don’t use EVOO, a little part of Rachel Ray dies.)
  • 2 tsp salt (Screw sea salt, use land salt. That’s much better. You never hear “He’s a good guy, real salt of the ocean.”)
  • 2 tsp black pepper (Use freshly ground black pepper, unless you hate good things.)

**NOTE: I realize I advised you to use freshly ground black pepper, versus the pre-ground variety. But for the herbs/spices you can definitely use the dried variety. What are you, a restaurateur? Don’t be a poseur.**

  • 1 Tbsp dried thyme
  • 4 tsp ground allspice
  • 4 tsp ground cinnamon
  • 4 tsp ground nutmeg
  • 4 tsp ground ginger
  • Brown sugar (Stick your hand into a bag and pull out a small handful. Varies depending on your hand size and how sweet you want the sauce. If the Hulk is still around, don’t have him do this. He will totally fuck this part up.)
  • Splash in some vinegar

Then blend all this together. You know, in a blender.

This makes quite a bit of sauce. So you can marinate a lot of chicken, which you do by throwing the chicken into a big Ziploc® freezer bag with the sauce. Place in the refrigerator.

Do something for 18 hours. I suggest not watching Food Inc. as that will turn you off to eating meat. Try counting to 65,000 instead.

Now you just remove the chicken from the bag and cook it (the chicken, stupid) as you want, either grilling it or baking it and using the sauce to baste the chicken. This sauce is so good, you’ll want to throw it on rice or roasted vegetables as well. But remember to bring a pot of the sauce to a boil and cook it for 10 minutes since it has come in contact with raw chicken. Apparently that can be bad for you. No wonder chickens don’t live long, they are in contact with raw chicken all the time.

Ways to spice this up:

  • Add another habanero pepper!
  • Splash in some dark rum.
  • Invite former Spice Girl Melanie Chisholm to dinner. She even used to date Anthony Kiedis from the Red Hot Chili Peppers. It’s a two-fer!

Bon appetit! Mon.

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